I broke down once today. Granted, it’s only 6 am. But at least the breakdowns are quick and over before anyone notices.
It might seem silly. After all, I simply read the box to figure out if I needed to unpack it immediately or save it for later. It had pansy plates and glass vases written on the outside. It dawned on me that I wouldn’t have a need for the vases anymore, and I cracked.
One of my great pleasures has always been picking fresh flowers. When I was younger, I could go out to my mom’s garden and pick from her many blooms. When I was old enough to drive, I could go to my grandmother’s and pick a few blooms from her varied gardens. Once I had a home of my own, I planted flowers and greenery everywhere.
I had winter blooms that would offer a brightness in the gloom of the season. Spring provided a cornucopia of colors. Summer blooms came from daylilies and iris and more wildflowers than you could shake a stick at.
I’d gather blooms and greenery – often with the help of my sons – and then invest the next hour arranging the treasures in a variety of vases I had collected or inherited over the years. Fresh flowers made me happy, provided an activity for me with the boys, and added a touch of sunshine around the house.
When I looked at the box marked “vases,” it struck me how all of that is gone. The house is gone. Many of the blooms are gone. Much of the greenery is gone. No matter what step we take next, those will never be back.
The Joy Garden I planted after my mother died that danced with color outside my window had a few blooms remaining the last time I was able to see it. The window where I would sit and watch the butterflies and hummingbirds play in the garden is gone. The trees the squirrels called home are also gone, so they have left the area as well.
It’s all changed and a box of vases that holds so many of those precious moments reminded me in a gut punching way that now all I have is the memories.
Today is an amazing day. We are blessed to all be well and safe. We are blessed to have the opportunity to make more precious moments. Despite all the blessings that surround me, I still hurt for all that is gone.
Getting Past the Broken Moment
My broken moment happened because I became focused on what I wouldn’t have anymore. A lost home. A lost garden. A lost past. Even if I was back where I was before, it wouldn’t be the same. Today is different than two years ago.
I got past the broken moment by choosing to focus on what I do have, right now, in this moment. I have to be intentional about how I hold tight to joy if I’m going to mend my broken.
What do I have?
When I think about what I do have, the don’ts have to struggle to get in. I do have the opportunity to visit friends and get some cut flowers. I do have the opportunity to grow flowers around the new place in containers – different but something unique that I haven’t had the chance to try before. I do have a new view with new sites that I would never have seen where I was.
What can I do?
I can’t do what I did but I can do something different than before. I get broken when I get tangled in the yesterday. I can enjoy yesterday without getting tied up in it. I break free of the broken moments when I focus on the things I can do. I can do a container garden. I can get flowers from other places. I can find opportunities to refresh the garden that was or to share the remnants of the garden that was with others that can love and appreciate the beauty of the plants.
A Long Way To Go
Today begins a new season. It may not be the season I expected, but that doesn’t decrease its value. Instead, it provides opportunities I wouldn’t have found if I had been looking for my expected. It’s not normal, but it has the potential to be better than any normal could ever show.
I know that more broken moments will happen. Anytime you leave a large chunk of your past in the dust, there are holes in your heart that can punch your gut at moments when you aren’t prepared for.
You can’t avoid all the holes, but you can find ways to settle in those hollow places and work through the broken moments.