I will never change for anyone again.”
There were too many bruises and pain from the past. If there was something different someone wanted in me then he would just have to go somewhere else to find it. I was me and that was all that was on the table. To paraphrase a semi-famous philosopher, “I was who I was and that is all that I was.” NO MORE CHANGE!
And then I had an encounter with God.
After I was married, I began to delve into the Word in more passionate way than I had ever done before. I wanted to know more. I used bible studies, commentaries, and scripture to work at a relationship with God.
The more I dug in to the Word, the more He gently prodded me and guided me in a direction I had determined I would never go again.
Ever so slowly, my attitude began to chip away. The things that had seemed like important parts of my world lessened in importance. There was a subtle, but distinct change in me.
Refusing to change had not made me stronger or better. It turns out that no change hinders instead of helping. No change began to choke out my growth and without growth there is death.
It is not possible to become the person God wants me to be if I am not willing to leave behind the person I think I am. I have to change in order to grow to God.
Focusing on others only compounded the hindrances that were in my way. I had to come to the place where I recognized that it was not the people around me who needed to change, it was me. I just refused to see that big beam sticking out of my eye (from Matthew 7: 1-4; Luke 6:41)
Over the next few years, I continued to struggle in my growth – mainly because I still wanted to hold on to my promise to change for no other person ever again.
The more I allowed God to mold my insides, the tougher things seemed to get. If I thought changing the way I did laundry was rough then I was in for some real shocks when the changes started to pull up deeper roots.
God began to show me that it was not just about my actions but about every aspect of my life – INCLUDING my thoughts and the words that I would speak. (from Psalm 94:11; 1 James 1: 14-15; Matthew 15:11)
Despite the challenges that were pushing me to changes I had been avoiding, the more I learned the more I wanted to know.
Attempting to walk in the Will of God made my flesh cry out:
“What if someone takes advantage of my new attitude?”
“What if someone runs me down?”
“What if he refuses to change as well?”
As God continues to mold me and change me, He has also impacted those around me. Things are not perfect and situations can still be chaotic, but things are continuing to grow and change. God has used the bumps in the road of my life to bring me closer to Him. It is not always easy and it is not always fun, but it is always worth the trip.