Breaking Down before Breaking Through
My day sucked – and not your ordinary, kids are annoying, husband is not agreeable, or the weather is not cooperating kind of suck. This was a life sucking, heart breaking, give me a shovel and let me dig my own grave kind of suck.
My energy was zapped by a headache that would not go away, and my husband helped it along with the use of a “should be used only outdoors” tool that sounded more like a dentist drill than anything else. It compounded my headache, grinded my nerves, and pushed me deeper into a hole that I did NOT want to be in.
When quiet finally found our house, I made time for a nap. The phone rang, only to bring me even more bad news.
I WAS DONE.
“Why even try?” I demanded to the ceiling. “Nothing is working out and if nothing is working out thank why not just invest nothing to start with.” I cried. I whined. I ranted. And then I repeated the steps. All the crying, all the whining, and all the ranting left me tired on top of the frustration.
I dislike being out of control. I despise seeing others break the rules and get the breaks. I confess that I HATE the way the world treats those that are just trying to do the right thing. But there I was, stuck in all of it with no way to get unstuck.
The title bar flashed on my computer and I realized someone was sending me a message. I clicked on the link, and a friend was reaching out for some help and some encouragement. Right there in the midst of my pity party, someone needed me.
I put down my violin and listened to her needs. I even smiled. I had been in a similar situation, I told her. I shared how I had managed to survive and even found some moments of thriving through the challenges. She seemed relieved. Sometimes it is just knowing that we are not the first, or maybe we are not the only ones, that gives us comfort through the struggle.
I continued to talk with here and it began to dawn on me that maybe that message was not just from her. See, Elijah did not go to the widow to be fed by the widow. He went to the widow to be sure the widow WAS fed. And she did not message me because she needed encouragement. She messaged me because I needed to grow encouragement in my own heart by sharing it.
I WAS DONE.
This time I was done because I recognized that none of it is in my control. I really can only do what I can do – and I really am unable to do any more than that. I just have to keep on going and keep on doing and release the rest of it to God.
And now I understand that in those moments when I am not even able to do that, God WILL make a way for me to keep going. I just have to take it.