Despair (from the Reflections and HOPE Archives for 10-4-15)

The moment happened. I hit a wall so tall and so wide that it left me wondering if I had taken a wrong turn. I no longer desired to attend church. It felt painful just to be a part of church. The teaching held some flavor, but my rejection of church came from the crushing spirit that seemed to hover over me every time I walked through the doors.

The frustration grew the moment I had the opportunity to lead – a little or a lot was not important. I needed to encourage others in their walk and yet I cowered in a corner myself. How can I lead others into a place I seem to have lost myself?

The answer dawned on me in that moment of cowering darkness. It is not about me. No matter where I am in my journey and no matter where I may have been, the Holy Spirit will still work through me – and it is the Holy Spirit that guides us all into the truth. I might be the conduit, but I am not the leader.

I shared the encouragement that flowed through me, but it seemed it flowed through without leaving any residue. I was giving to others, but I still cowered in the dark. And the darkness grew heavier because I could share with others would I seemed unable to grasp for myself.

The opportunities continued to be revealed – for others. They saw their path and they saw their place and we all rejoiced together. I watched relationships grow and expand and still I was cowering in the darkness. It hurts all the more to be in the middle of something I want desperately to be engaged in, only to find that I am disconnected and without a cord long enough to reach it.

My despair grew darker despite my continued flow of encouragement for others. I wanted to be with others and I wanted the comfort and companionship of people. Yes, I huddled tighter into my corner and closed my eyes.

“It is not about you.” I heard the words loud and clear this time and I looked up to find the source. It was a single beam of light, warming my body and piercing my soul. It challenged me to stand up and to step out – not with the cheering of man by my side, but with the promise of God in my heart. He called me to a place where I was solely dependent on Him and in Him.

I stepped because God led me to step and not because I understood the direction.
I obeyed because God asked me to obey and not because I knew where He was leading.
I stood because God told me that I could stand and not because I recognized His ultimate purpose.

I am here now to continue to step and obey and stand because that is all that He has asked of me. I am here . . . that will be all that matters.

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