Desperately Seeking Understanding
For me, nothing shakes my world and makes me question my journey quite like a well-placed struggle. It ups the ante when the struggle comes in the form of the “f” word – you know, finances.
I have been bouncing around like a Tigger on caffeine for the last several months. Several moments I felt I was “this close” to my break through. Several times I think I noticed a crack in the wall. Several days I walked on air certain that it would be happening at any moment.
Another great idea would come up and I would be off chasing it down the rabbit hole. I chased and I ran and I chased and I ran – and then I finally stopped to look around and it turned out I had never moved.
I woke up in that particular place this morning. At the first of July I mentioned to my husband all of the cracks and near breakthroughs. “It’s just around the corner.” I promised. I followed up with a commitment to get a more traditional job in August if nothing had been revealed.
I sat up in bed certain that if I just moved in some direction or another, my motivation to start my day would arrive. It never showed. I pushed through my morning study time and then my mind wandered away. I managed to catch it long enough to head out for my morning workout. It was gone before I got into the first segment of the first set.
“This is ridiculous.” I have spent the last seven weeks following a set routine and here I stood letting the “f” word steal my focus. I tried, but gave up. I picked up my water bottle and headed out the door. If my peace and focus would not come to me then I would just chase them down.
I spent the next hour walking around our yard – which works out to be about a mile for each lap. I talked to God. I cried out to God. I pleaded with God to just help me understand. I negotiated with God. After two laps, I still had no clear understanding.
My youngest son joined me on his bike. He shared the adventures he and some of the other boys had been on the other day. They fought giant shrooms and monster chompers. He delighted in the tales they had created.
I found some peace, just a little bit, in his tales. I found some comfort that I could take a walk around the yard with my son riding his bike and telling tales. I felt better about my journey even if I still did not fully understand what that journey was all about.
I sat down to start my work day and noticed a message from a friend, fellow journey struggler and writer, Natalie Cone. Here words sent the tears to tumbling but warmed my heart at the same time.
“You’ve been on my mind this morning. I’ve prayed peace, focus and success over you today! I’m still learning and growing, and you’re a significant part of that.”
She shared her own struggles after telling me I was on her heart. Her words comforted me and helped me understand just a little bit more of my journey. I still have not had a burning bush moment. My moment of crystal clear clarity has not shown itself. It is cloudy and muddled, but I have more peace than when I woke up and peace is a powerful weapon.
The second thing I read was a comment from Carol on the Thursday post of Follow Me. She confessed she struggles as well. So, I know I am not alone in the struggles – Natalie and Carol have confirmed my suspension and at the same time they have fueled my motivation in their sharing.
Now it is my turn. I want to be the fuel to ignite your motivation. Send me an email and tell me about your struggles. Pour out your heart in a blog post and link back to this post. I will respond to all the comments and all the emails in a personal email because I understand now the power of that personal touch.
And maybe, just maybe, in my sharing and connecting with you, the focus in my own life will begin to find some clarity.
[…] 3. Seek understanding. It is not just about the “what” but about the “why” of the situation. I need to see how it fits into my life and my journey. If it does then I invest in it. If it is outside my spectrum then I leave it to others. Too often I invest my resources into things that have nothing to do with me. I need to understand more than the surface if I am going to make a difference in the flow of the stream. […]