I couldn’t make my husband happy, so it’s a good thing it was not my job. Most people will be as happy as they choose to be – and my husband was in a place where he was choosing not to be happy.
“I don’t like you very much.”
Several years back, my husband and I were sitting on the couch watching television together. The boys were tucked in their beds and we had a moment of just us. He took the quick commercial break to share his thoughts with me. He even added to them. “Sometimes I don’t like being around you.”
The commercial break ended and so did our conversation.
That was the moment . . . or at least that was the moment that led to the moment . . . that I realized I would not make my husband happy.
I was not supposed to make my husband happy.
Just as important a revelation – he was not supposed to make me happy either.
I think a lot of the pressure of marriage (or any relationship for that matter) is the expectation that the other person will make it all better. Experience has taught me that the opposite is true. Every time you add a person to the equation, things get more complicated.
Get married? Now the challenge is multiplied by 2.
Have extended family? Multiply those numbers as well (because even if they aren’t actively involved IN the relationship, their influence often affects the relationship).
Have children? More multiplication required.
My husband and I had a deep discussion recently and I hurt for him. I know he is in a place of discouragement and I know that I can’t fix him.
What I can do is divide the challenges by investing in doing what I know I’m supposed to do.
How I Can Help Make My Husband Happy
- I can get rid of any clutter around the house. Although we have ALWAYS had boxes of stuff (we home school and you need stuff), I have always been creative in the storing techniques. My husband had no clue how much stuff taunted him from the nooks and crannies of our home. For him, out of sight is not just out of mine. Having the space clutter-free is soothing.
- I can have meals at the table – and have them ready when he comes home from work. Yes, it is an inconvenience for me. I want to do what I want to do because I have been doing for everyone else all day long. But I know it comforts him to sit at the table. And we have a VERY cool table for family meals.
- I can attend church with him. This actually hurt me to write. I don’t want to attend church with him. I wrote a whole post about why I quit church. But he is more important and it makes him feel better. I will definitely be praying for peace and wisdom in this step.
- I can speak only good, positive, and uplifting things about my husband (to him, around him, or even when he is across the state). Words have power. How I talk about my husband will affect how I see him, how I respond to him, and most importantly how I think about him.
GOAL 1: Clear out or store away EVERY loose element
GOAL 2: Plan (and prepare) meals so that they can be eaten around the table.
GOAL 3: Attend church with my husband.
GOAL 4: Create a daily thanksgiving about my husband and a nightly reflection as well.
That day on the couch I realized that something had to give. I invested some time and effort into finding the perfect “How to do Marriage” book. What I discovered was a book about encouraging my husband – actually all the men in my life. The book showed me to change the focus. It wasn’t so much about “fixing” my husband or even “fixing” my marriage.
What I need to do is focus on getting my walk right – on doing all that I know to do and daring to do one more thing just to give me the edge. That change in focus and the follow-through of action changes my world – EVERY SINGLE TIME.A heart shift is the most powerful force on earth. Click To Tweet
My husband’s situation may not change, but my heart will. A heart shift is the most powerful force on earth!